God And I..................... !!!!!!!!

         Being born in a Brahmin family.............my association with God and culture and traditions have been something that I think are a part of me.I was fascinated with all the mythological gods and their stories,they were a part of my meal time  and bedtime stories.As i grew , my fascination with my traditions grew but hated the superstitions.My brother a non believer , had a huge impact on me......he was my hero.....for a few years i was in a dilemma,will I be letting him down if I say I believe in god. I was in a huge confusion  to whether abandon god , who I have no clue ever existed and embrace my brother ...........or to simply be a part of a safer group of believers .
                                               Then came a stage when I went to the temples to pray for my exams or my dance performance.......and promised to put money in hundi if my earnest desires were fulfilled.I thought myself clever for such a bargain and of course considered myself safe. God never had a form for me.....he was sometimes vishnu,sometimes shiva sometimes goddess karumari amman......I went with whoever my mom or my sister believed at that time and got their wishes granted.
                                          Then came the stage in my life........which turned me around .....my marriage.God became a necessity with every arguement , confusion and decision making.............one day as i was sitting at the temple admiring the thiru kalyanam going on........people with their bright sarees........tasty food for naivedhyam .I started to wonder, what am I doing here ? am I here because its what is expected out of me......or am I here because I simply love the celebration that goes on there.Does god know that I am midst the crowd ? Does he know my wishes my desires or my problems? I completely lost my self with that thought ............what have i been doing all these years,I have no clue whether I am a devotee nor do i know or connect with God.

                                             Then came this stage in my life ,which i would like to call finding me. My marriage made me feel that I was starting from ground zero.....I had to start from the beginning with a new person, then came my kids.......I became a person who was responsible for others , I didn't have the luxury to react because I  was expected to solve things and give answers. That is the time when I was supposed to be very strong I felt very lonely...........I thought no one understands me,either family agrees with your anxieties or condemns it by asking you to be stronger..........a time came when I was tired of explaining and dissecting everything.I still visited temples but I didn't feel that I was being heard........could someone interact with God !! I wondered ! I always wanted a relationship with God !!!! The answer came through my sister,On the way to the Airport ,coming back to America....my sister gave me Satcharita ,Shirdi Sai Baba`s book and said just read this and you will understand many things................It took several readings, several incidents for me to get near my baba, Satcharita just told me how Baba lived,in his most natural state of mind.He didn`t care to put on a show or an act to make people believe in him.He did not make any rules or asked you to live your life a certain way,he just says you have a right to feel what you feel but just take the anger and frustration and hopelessness ,jealousy and guilt from your mind.......because I dont care if you are perfect or not,I just care whether you are happy or not !He says you do your best ,I will guide you and give you whats best for you.I thought a flood gate was opened,I really think he is my spiritual dad and I know he understands me the way no one ever does.My relationship with Baba.............I dont feel I have to be perfect for him to like me, I don't feel the demands of being in a relationship. I have a feeling if you have a relationship with someone and if that makes you a better person then you should never leave them.

                             Baba gets my innermost feelings....my finer emotions..........my anxieties,desires.......sometimes he is my father a bit strict and disciplines me ,sometimes like my mom forgives my mistakes and pats my back and hushes me to sleep, sometimes my guru ,guides my path and makes me realize from within what ingredients do i need to make my life palatable. whenever i look at you Sai....... i feel humbled!  you know me from within even my dark secrets......a reason for my smile.I don't need to tell you what it is that goes through my mind....... you give hopes and such experiences in life...you reform my thoughts...I am myself to you ! Isn't that a great experience !
I have found my guru , who understands me more than I do myself......I am his devotee who knows what a prize it is to even think of Sai !!!! May be  that's the reason I got my name Meera.........I delight thinking of you My sai !!

                                                

Happily Ever After

                                 As a child i was always drawn towards stories,especially the ones read to me. as I hear the stories the visuals taking place in my head ,my eyes in its dreamy state,though i have to say being a girl I was partial towards the Fairy Tales.............with a Happy ending. I remember getting caught up with the princess`s predicaments,worrying as to who would save her......the prince being a man and all , saves her and they fall in love and they live "happily ever after"..........
                   my eyes slowly closing , my face all relaxed.....
slipping into my sleep, although feeling sorry for all my bitten nails.......Totally sucking in to it !!!!!!
                         As an adult when i read bedtime stories to my kids......,and get to the part when  they lived Happily ever after The End,I see the same smile on their faces.That got me thinking....is it really the end,does it mean they don't have to slay anymore dragons,fight the curse of an evil witch or eat a poisoned apple......? when does one reach a point in life when you can say from now on I am going to be happy with a certainty......is n`t it more like a wish and a hope ! As i was pondering this question and debating whether i should explain to the kids about this..............and in the process living my happy life !!!!
                               I came upon Bhagawat Gita, quite by an accident...........as i was reading it, I felt more like giving up any min,I came upon a chapter called karma yogi ...........Lord Krishna says an ocean remains the same when it rains or when a river separates from it,it does not appear larger or more glorious when there is rain nor does it appear less glorious when a river separates from it........The same way a man has to react when he gets joy or when he is down in the dumps......well that's alright for an ocean i thought !!....wondering whether happiness is just a state of mind ! do you just have to get up everyday and decide that i will be happy or decide i will not get upset...? do i have to work for it ,smile more,go out more,love more...........what is the true essence of happiness, Is it just an echo of what my heart thinks ? Then the ocean made sense to me......I can be vast in my thinking.....I can`t help who dumps on me , who uses me,who leaves me and who joins me but it is in my ability to be happy if I make up my mind to do so !!!!

  Then it struck me......“Happiness is the consequence of personal effort. You fight for it, strive for it, insist upon it. You have to participate relentlessly in the manifestations of your own blessings. And once you have achieved a state of happiness, you must never become lax about maintaining it. You must make a mighty effort to keep swimming upward into that happiness forever, to stay afloat on top of it.” ........Lets all live Happily Ever After !!!!!!

Hurt..........

                                          Hurt..........This little word which takes so much of importance in our lives ,It weaves through our lives like water, taking the form our mind wants to give it and silently watches you,sometimes a friend sometimes your worst enemy.I have always wondered when i converse with people and they mention being hurt by something or someone without an ounce of compassion

............On the other side there are few who cant use the word Hurt without choking on  it !That makes me think that the word or the feeling hurt has a huge spectrum,ranging from using it jokingly to an unbearable pain!!

                                                      I have a feeling some hurt makes you who you are,some kills who you are.It is a very essential feeling to go through,either takes you to another stage in life or challenges you to something you think you are not capable. My friend came up to me one day,she said with tears in her eyes,well its over between us,i tried but he does n`t care about me the way I do"

she tried to give her best smile,but all I could see was her trembling lips.I just told her she was going to be okay,she said "yeah I will be",later thinking about it , leaving her Beau was not as hurting as the fact that he did not reciprocate her feelings.....in this case it was her ego that was hurt.

                                                      One day i was travelling in a bus and I accidentally stepped on a woman`s foot when the driver hit the breaks,that lady broke out into her syllables tearing me into pieces ignoring my continual apologies.......I though i was so hurt by that incident but at that time I was more embarrassed than hurt. A long time friend visited me .....we started talking about our old times making new memories,she suddenly said you have changed a lot,those words though quite simple hurt me in thousand ways , but she did n`t mean to insult me in any way,I could n`t accept it as a passing comment because our relationship was based on the person that I was,does that mean we are not that close anymore.A small observation she made took its form like a serpent ,the form my mind was giving it ! .......we started talking less and less and one I realized I was more sad not talking to her , That is when I understood I have dissected that little word and manipulated it into something I want it to be,In this case I took out a shield to protect my skin instead of accepting her comments as I always would !may be i have changed.........There is always a tag attached to our hurt which gives it form.

                                                     The worst part of hurt is when you can`t be openly sad about it or discuss about it......going on with your life ,duties ,smiling out of habit,living out of desperation , without going through the whole process of  ,shock ,dwelling on it, try to talk about it, shake out of it by not picking on the scab..........finally growing a new skin or looking at the scar with just a memory of once what it was............It never leaves you , It becomes a haven or private corner, your little secret....you can cover it with all the fancy bandages never really healing !!!!!

    This quote comes to mind........."To hurt is as human as to breathe.” J.K. Rowling, The Tales of Beedle the Bard

               Pain is a pesky part of being human, I've learned it feels like a stab wound to the heart, something I wish we could all do without, in our lives here. Pain is a sudden hurt that can't be escaped. But then I have also learned that because of pain, I can feel the beauty, tenderness, and freedom of healing. Pain feels like a fast stab wound to the heart. But then healing feels like the wind against your face when you are spreading your wings and flying through the air! We may not have wings growing out of our backs, but healing is the closest thing that will give us that wind against our faces.

Friends who look out for me!!!!!

                                         what is it that i feel,whenever i gulp down an insult.....harsh words.....insensitive remarks........grueling silences.......accusing glances......or when i try to give in to it............................................................................. Bearing it..........i feel so lonely!!!!!

                                                  Everything around me goes in fast pace....i move slowly hearing the thumping of my heartbeat,waiting to breathe.....my lungs still trying to decide which one should do its job.My eyes being my best friend wants to shed a few tears for me but my heart says like a practical friend NO............she is not ready for it yet!my mind having so many garbled conversations trying to convince me that ,whatever happened to me was not right!

like a loyal friend!!.................my brain like a habitual friend makes my hand do its chores giving silent commands and getting things done..................My body like an understanding friend finally decides its time!......... pauses for a few seconds............i breathe heavily.................my limbs giving in...............a voice telling me,its ok you can cry now!!!!!

you are still brave if you do.................

tears started pouring down........my lungs struggling to do its job right......i gasp!my lips quiver

my heart races..............................

                                                         Then i realized when i have so many good friends working with me,crying with me.....they know me and are my ardent supporters..........I am not Alone!!!!!

Different!!!!!

                I have always loved this word....Different!....actually a little fascinated by it when i was a young girl growing up in a normal middle class family.My brother with his MBA as expected,my sister married young as expected ....i wanted to be different,think different,have friends who does not think like me.
I used to get so excited to see my mumbai cousins visiting us during summer speaking tamil like hindi!
my aunt who always spoke before she paused  to think.....different!

                                          Finally the day came when i got married as expected like everyone else!!!I prepared myself to live a normal life,!I had a baby girl within the couple of years of my marriage as expected......when my little was one and a half,she wore glasses!I cried she was different!......she did not start to talk until 4..I worried!she was different! she never made any friends but she was happy.....i badgered her! she was different! by 9 she was not like other girls.....she hated Justin Bieber ,
Hannah Montana....but loved Sponge bob and Amazing world of gumball!............I panicked!

                                                                 she made friends with boys and listened to him talk about game boy for an hour...I was puzzled! she is 11 now,getting A`s at school,still struggling to make friends,always cheerful even if she has to eat alone sometimes,getting totally excited to store numbers in her phone,shooting out to her phone everytime the phone rings,still not giving up on making a friend!
I asked her, honey......why is it hard for you to make friends .......she said that's because i am DIFFERENT mom,I paused.........i actually got what i wanted!...... this beautiful,brave,young inspiration that is right in front of me!.......now I am fascinated with a new word......Acceptance!!!!!!!!

                                   

A Warm Sunny Day

                                              I Once had a dream that i was in a Tropical Island,riding my bike on a warm sunny day.I started to ride my bike faster and faster down the winding roads,trees on either sides,
crossing puddles getting my bare feet muddy.The breeze blowing on my face,giving me a feeling as though i was flying through the air.
Sweat trickling down the sides of my face,as it reaches my chin the wind blew it away.A bird flying with me wondering how come she is faster than me.My mind was clear of thoughts,doubts and fear.I could feel my feet peddling to the rhythm of my heart.My eyes bright,my mouth dry,in this journey with myself.Then something happened,my eyes spotted a wooden bridge a mile away and a thought crossed my mind,"would i be able to cross that wobbly bridge".Before i knew it,my feet stopped peddling,my bike rolling down the road uncontrollably not knowing the reason of why i was giving up.It dawned on me,until i was not thinking,my mind took charge of me,when i questioned,it stopped asking for directions!!!!
      So friends Lets ride the wind or let the wind ride us!!!!!!!